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Recently we acquired a vacuum cleaner and perhaps it wasn't the best purchase ever. Please enjoy the results.
Once in a while comes a product so refreshing and revolutionary that it makes the common chores of housework a breeze- with it's functionality, user-friendliness and intuitive technology.
Or, contrariwise, you will spit chips at at something so grossly ineffective that you will write an acid-tongued, negative review before running to throw said vacuum cleaner off a cliff. I therefore present to you:
The Sonixx 2400 Watts!
The Sonixx 2400 watt Vacuum cleaner takes 'sucking' to a brand new level! Rather than the traditional features of vacuum cleaners, which dutifully and efficiently remove dust and grime, this one has the novel function of turning the user into a linguist, swearing more frequently and in more different languages than ever thought possible! It's handy bagless functionality, designed by the most dedicated of Chinese sadists and masochists comes apart in only six ways; so simple that anyone with an undergraduate degree in engineering could use it, without using the manual! This clever and intuitive piece of... erm... technology also has the function of training the user to pay more attention to detail - since, despite its powerful 2400 watt motor fails to pick a damnable thing up. The only downside, potentially to this incredible vacuum cleaner is the attachable wheel which breaks easily- a problem easily counteracted by the fact the wheel doesn't enhance movement anyway! Those designers really thought of everything!
Here are some reviews from some satisfied customers:
"Worst f%&*ing $120 I ever spent"
- Sister Claridge, Sisters of Mercy Convent
"I Never thought I'd have to read an instruction manual for a vacuum cleaner! I'm a freaking astrophysicist for goodness sake! "
- Lance Lamnex, PhD.
"I've always struggled with ideas about what to buy for my mother in law who I hate. Thanks Sonixx!"
- Jerry Masterson
"I should have listened to my wife and just bought a bloody Dyson like she said"
- Bob Kattendel
The Sonixx 2400 Watt. Get One today!
- Or don't. Whatever.